26 weeks! *LONG ENTRY*

Hey Everyone!

Elliott here! Both Mommy and I are going to be writing this entry, but I figured since I let Mommy write the past couple entries I would grace you all again first.

Well! I have officially hit the 26 week mark! Another huge accomplishment. Information tells me, if you were in the meat department of a grocery store and picked up a 1.5-2lb. chuck roast you would essentially be holding me! I am getting so big and growing more and more every day! My ears have been continuing to develop and are the most sensitive they have ever been. I can most likely hear mommy and daddy when they are talking to each other…Now that mommy and I are spending so much time together I really recognize her voice :) I am continuing to exhale and inhale my amniotic fluid in order to “breathe”. These really nice people in the hospital gave mommy this horrible shot that is actually helping my lungs develop a little quicker. Mommy got stuck in her bum, and it really hurt. Daddy was there to hold her hand and he made her laugh which distracted her from the pain. Mommy was sore for the next 4 days….oops! I am excited to go to the doctor tomorrow to see what I am measuring both in weight and length. I am putting on more and more baby fat each day and Mommy and Daddy have noticed. They got some new ultrasound pictures and boy did I fill out! Also, Mommy really looks pregnant now finally thanks to me growing. Lastly, my boy parts are starting the decent to their final resting place! GO team boy! Talk to you all next week!

Alright, Mommy’s turn.

Hey Everyone…Wow. What a whirlwind of a couple of weeks. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude to those who are supporting us through this time. I think I have said this before in an entry, but you just never hear about the stuff we are going through…It’s like you find out you are pregnant and then you go to your due date…all the stuff in the middle is just the icing on the cake. I wish I could say I’ve had a pleasant pregnancy, but in all reality, my pregnancy has terrified me. I have wanted nothing more in this world than to be a mom. I’ve been blessed to have met and fallen in love with a man that wanted kids just as much as I did. I remember the exact moment I brought our pregnancy test down to show Evan…I was nervous. I would say even more nerves than excitement and I have been waiting for that feeling to go away. Now, I am freakishly excited for Elliott, do not think I am not, but what I am saying is that I feel I haven’t been able to just enjoy this pregnancy as so many other women are able to. We have literally had issues from the beginning with this pregnancy and it really does wear on a person. I wanted to be able to scream from the top of my lungs we were expecting but something in me was holding back. I feel like I almost knew something…I don’t know if in the end I was psyching myself out, but it just didn’t feel right. Now with everything from the placental abruption early on, discovery of the ovarian cysts, possible bicornuate uterus, Elliott’s echogenic bowel and other chromosomal scares…how can that not just rip someone apart? I just want my baby and after our last “routine” doctor appointment, I have come to the realization that even if I still get my baby, the issues might not stop there. Going into the hospital was scary. At first it seemed easy, just receive the beta shot to help develop baby’s lungs quicker and be monitored and then go home, back to normal. When my RN Lindsey ran into the room with 3 bags of IV fluids/meds I instantly went into panic. Of course, I put on a strong face, but inside I was so defeated. What else have I done wrong? When she told me I was having contractions, I honestly had NO idea. I felt and still believe to be feeling nothing. That’s scary not knowing what to feel. The tightening I had been feeling I just assumed was baby moving around in there switching positions. Lindsey warned me about the Magnesium Sulfate they were going to put me on as far as side effects. I am eternally grateful to the side affect gods for only giving me the “flushing” feeling. Though an annoyance, I can handle that vs. puking and being extremely nauseated. At that time, my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart. I hadn’t found that out until about 3 hours into them catching my contractions. After the magnesium kicked in, they slowed to every 7-8 minutes and then slowed to a very inconsistent manner of anywhere between 7-11 minutes if not less than 3 an hour. I felt like I was making progress. After 12 hours of the magnesium I was taken off and monitored for 4 hours. I was still having contractions so I was given an oral medication, Nifedipine, to assist in slowing/stopping my continued contractions. First pill went down just fine, felt great and continued to lie in the hospital bed as normal. My second dose, about 20 minutes to the hour I started feeling really warm and my heart started pounding feverishly. I could feel myself shaking, or almost being slightly pulled side to side. I looked to Evan and asked him if he could see me shaking and he just told me, “Call the nurse”. They took me off the medicine and let me rest again but now I had so much anxiety about it I couldn’t relax. Would there be another medicine I could take to stop me from contracting? There apparently are not many options so when the shift change happened I asked my nurse what the next step would be. She honestly told me, there wasn’t a lot and I just came to the conclusion I was going to need to do this for Elliott. Get me back on that medicine so he does not come right now. They put me back on and again, like clockwork, 20 minutes after the pill I felt the same feeling. Evan held my hand and took breaths with me and I felt much more at ease.  Since I have been home, I have experienced the feeling only a couple times. I take the pills at 2 am, 8 am, 2 pm, and 8pm. The morning ones I sleep through usually and the afternoon ones I haven’t felt issues so that is good.

To hear that I was dilated externally to a 1 was frightening too. There was a dilation chart in the hospital I wished I had taken a picture of. It is INSANE that I will eventually get to the 10cm point, but to know that Elliott is so low and I am dilating internally and externally really scared me. He could have come that day for all we know. I gained comfort by watching the TV show “19 kids and counting” on TLC. It’s about the Duggar family, a family of 19 children and their parents. The mother delivered EVERY child. The 19^th baby, a girl named Josie, was born via emergency C-section at 25 weeks gestation weighing a mere 1 lb. 6 oz. She is now a thriving 14 month old with only minor growth setbacks, a slight digestive issue and needs oxygen while she sleeps. She is ALIVE. A true miracle. I researched micro-preemies after I rediscovered Josie was born at the same age Elliott was when we were in the hospital and of course I saw both good and bad. Just to think that their little girl is thriving though, with only minimal (or what seems to be minimal) issues is uplifting. To stay positive in this is so much easier said than done. 

Our first goal is to get to 28 weeks. That way, if Elliott does come we will be able to keep our care here in Grand Forks. God forbid he wants to come before we hit the 28 week mark…we would have to be airlifted/transported down to Fargo for an unknown amount of time. That is just too much to even think about at this point. From 28 weeks, we will try to hit 32…32 then 34…34 then 36. If we reach 36 weeks, and buddy wants to come, we aren’t going to fight him and let him come. It’s still crazy to think that at 36 weeks; he is still one whole month early! I am praying for a miracle to get him to 36 weeks…that way with every additional day I know that Elliott will not have such severe preemie related problems.

*Hops up onto Soap box* Gosh, what else to say. I can’t help but feel like all of this is my fault. I can’t help but feel like I have done something wrong…or the fact that the things that are wrong are my body and potentially causing harm to my baby. It’s extremely difficult to not put the blame on myself. Have I sat here and just relaxed? I wish I could say I have, but I can’t stop thinking about Elliott. I had an extremely emotional night and morning. I can’t stand the fact I have to be waited on…its torture. I literally am only allowed to get out of the bed to go to the bathroom. I need help going upstairs and only see my upstairs for about 10 minutes a day when I shower. We have put our guest rooms’ full size bed in the corner of our living room. I haven’t been able to sleep in the same bed or even room for that matter as my husband in a week. I feel alone a lot of the time here and I am thankful I have my animals at least. I know I am not alone…Evan has been a serious angel to me during this time. I don’t know how he does it. He is seriously superman. He has cleaned the house, taken care of me, taken care of himself, his job and our animals. He has been forced to do everything. No wonder I cried when he accidently forgot a 12 pack of Mt. Dew in the bottom of the cart at Target when he went grocery shopping.  Its one thing he got for himself and now it’s gone. Ugh…The simplest mistake totally devasted me. I felt SO bad for him. He didn’t even care. He initially told me laughing! I wish I had my old mentality to just say “whoops” and brush it off but it hit me so hard. I am pathetic! *Hops off soap box*

My mom was able to fly up for about a day while I got home from the hospital and is actually flying back in tonight to drive us down to Fargo for our 2^nd ultrasound with them. I am relieved she will be here because I cannot drive and Evan has some pretty rough mornings when it comes to letting his stomach settle. Plus the stress is never fun to deal with. My mom is very much so a morning person so the fact our appointment is at 7am doesn’t even faze her. My dad will be coming back up this weekend to hang out as well. I am so excited to have them both here not only for company…but for my dog Jack as well. Jack LOVES my mom and dad and my dad has wanted a dog for awhile. I think having the dog and my parents here together is helping us all…Jack gets the attention he has needed that I cannot provide and my dad gets a small dog fix. Last visit, he fell in love with a little pup at the pet store and we almost had another little puppy in the house! Sadly, the dog was freakishly expensive and he had to pass but then Jack was here to cheer him up. I can’t wait to have them all here…

This is another reason I hate being so far from home. I realize my parents have this freak of nature ability to fly for extremely minimal cost but it’s still hard. It’s not easy to drive 5 hours home for us financially, or time wise, and we understand it’s the same for family and friends. It’s just really difficult feeling so separated. I wish Evan could see his family, I wish I could see my Grandma and we both wish we could see our friends… Evan is being so strong through all of this and I know he wishes he had his mom at this time. It just breaks my heart that his mom isn’t here. I know how much she wanted to see her grandkids and I just know that she would be able to calm Evan down in a way only a mother can. Evan is doing okay with all of this right now. We both broke down when we had to go to the hospital but I think it hit him that this pregnancy isn’t as easy as we thought it would be. He is so excited to meet Elliott…It is so awesome having Evan be able to see and feel Elliott kicking and moving. It’s something I can share with Evan and I absolutely adore the time when it’s just us three together. I cannot wait for tomorrow so we can see our little man 3 D again.

Well, as I said earlier, my mom, Evan and I will be on the road to Fargo tomorrow for another ultrasound and cervical check. I pray that Elliott’s echogenic bowel is just gone. At this point I will take anything going our way! As long as buddy doesn’t all of a sudden want out when we are there, I will be happy. I will keep everyone updated as soon as I can. It’s been hard writing this entry anyway. I have wanted to journal my thoughts and am actually writing in Microsoft word right now to keep track. I am on full page 4 right now. Whenever I get overwhelmed with what I am writing I put the computer down, relax for awhile and get back into it when I feel ready. 

I don’t want to apologize for the things I have said in this entry. It is how I feel. I realize some things may come off selfish or disheartening but that’s the reality of what is going on. If you don’t agree, that’s fine…I am going to keep on keeping on with what I do and how I feel, no matter what it is. This has not been easy at all, and it terrifies me to ever become pregnant again but I can’t even think about that at this point…It is just in the back of my mind. I am doing okay right now…I enjoy the time I am “alone” because I know that truthfully I am not. My little boy is with me…what is beautiful is that when I do feel alone all of a sudden I feel him move or kick and it reminds me that I am not alone and I am doing this for him. He already knows how to cheer me up. 

Elliott is actually kicking me extremely hard right now; it’s making me almost lose my breath. What is exciting about this? He is kicking me HIGH, not low…which is where he wants to be so bad all the time. I’ll take not breathing well as long as this nugget stays in here.

Thanks for reading everyone…Update to come soon, if not for sure on Sunday. My mom will be here Thursday-Sunday and my dad is coming Friday night through Sunday. I am very excited to have them here and Evan is too. He likes when I have company so he can be getting our other life needs taken care of.

Love you all,

Rachel, Evan, and Elliott

Here is another ultrasound picture. The 2 white circles by his head are one hand and you guessed it...one foot!

Me in the hospital

Evan lounging in the hospital on the "daddy" bed. Not so comfy...